the wind blew into the harmonica of my bones. my entire body sang with parachute vibrato. showed me just how much i don't miss any of it. wondered if that was sad. knew that it was not. knew that it was simply new. the band carried me out past the borders of midnight. no more placebos called prayer. no more letters to the moon.
all over i was broken. i was whole. i leaked anvils from my pores. knew that that sweat was just my skin learning to let go. memorized the weight and how it made me feel full and happy. letting go made me happy and full. my arms, that at one time held the world, were no longer full. they were free to know things. i was free to know.
i knew then, what i still know now. now i know two things. the first is that if there's one thing worth protecting, it's your heart. the second is that if there's one thing worth risking, it's your heart.
some days I am not sure which to do. some days i’m just not sure.
sure of vast ocean in the difference between right and real. some things are only ghosts living beneath the floorboards that we lay each time we start a new. those ghosts never had a name. never had a chance. we just made them up like paper dolls filling in for the friendships we hoped would not pass. but they passed like a flatline. they passed like a day. beautiful while it lasted. but most times temporary and gut wrenching mean the exact same thing.
why? why don't you ever stay?
because you're constantly groping door knobs, your constantly propping open doors, my hands don't feel normal if they're not empty. my hands feel broken when they are full.
would you see me like a helicopter? could you remind me of my wings? i remember that i flew here but i cannot recall what with. just that when i’d landed i’d found no honor among thieves. in a room full of innocence i knew there was nothing that hadn’t been stolen to get there.
the only difference was i had stopped pretending like I wanted to be found. knew that i already was and, at the same time, never would be. never again would i be angry with somebody who’s not even paying attention. no. i won’t waste anything beautiful on them. it’s nothing they won’t miss.
these hammocks of rain in the sky mean nothing. these hammocks never stay. i have fishhooked sunshine into showing its face before. today may not be that day. today is the day i wring the dust out of my choke. i’ll wish and then. i will start tomorrow morning and everyday since and everyday since and everyday since then.
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